a few modest suggestions for zimbabwe

Despite some alleged internal opposition, Zimbabwe's ruling ZANU-PF party nominated President Robert Mugabe to run in next year's presidential elections. (Which will be, no doubt, free and fair. By "free" of course I mean Zimbabweans are free to vote for Mugabe. And by "fair," I mean that they think it is fair to beat up opposition leader Morgan Tsvangirai.)

That'll be good for Zimbabwe. I mean, who better to continue presiding over the brutal and stupid dismantling of a once-prosperous, hopeful nation, a country that once was a major agricultural exporter and now relies on food handouts.

So, in the spirit of keeping Mugabe on for five more years, allow me to suggest some other policies for ZANU-PF to consider.

Whizz on the electric fence.

Spit in the wind.

Step on Superman's cape.

Get on Oprah's bad side.

Buy stock in Enron.

Swim with sharks.

Write an expose about corruption in Vladimir Putin's government.

The advantage to all these ideas, unlike keeping Mugabe around for another five years, is that they won't screw over the poor schmucks who have to live in Zimbabwe.