Thursday, November 13, 2008

so you wanna job in the obama administration?

So you want to work in the incoming administration of Barack Obama. Well, there are two simple steps.

First, identify the job you want. Not EVERYBODY can be Secretary of State. The Plum Book will give you some idea of what jobs will be available. There are THOUSANDS! And hey, this doesn't even include jobs in the Office of the Vice President!

But the hard part is filling out the questionnaire that is being presented to all would-be Obamacans (Obamistas? Obamians? What is the equivalent to Bushie or Clintonista?). You can find it here. A few sample questions (some paraphrased to make shorter) for the curious...

Part I is all about Professional Background. For example,

1) Please furnish copies of all resumes and biographical statements issued by you or any other entity at your discretion or with your consent in the past ten years.

I told you you shouldn't have claimed to have won the 2002 World Series of Poker on that grad school application.

And questions about how your honey earns his or her money, too. Damn inconvenient, you self-sacrificing penurious public servant, that you husband/wife/sibling/dog took that cushy $400,000 a year job lobbying for the child porn and landmine lobby.

Oh, and be sure to answer THIS question, 8) Briefly describe the most controversial matters you have been involved in during the course of your career. Sorry, the great Who Makes the God-Damn Coffee In the Morning controversy of 2002 at your old law firm doesn't trump that little matter where you were representing cigarette companies and lung cancer victims at the same time. In the same case.

Part II - Publications, Writings & Speeches

First, if you've written any books, articles, columns or papers, you gotta provide a copy - oh, and recordings of any speeches, too. Nobody said applying for a job with the Obama Administration would be cheap or easy! They want that diary too. I suggest you fly THAT bad boy down to a safe deposit box in the Caymans, pronto. That entry about you, the Finnegan Twins, and an amorous dolphin will be difficult to explain away. Especially to the parents of the Twins, and the staff of Sea World.

Part III - Relationships & Affiliations (But not "associations," that word has been ruined by Sarah Palin)

15) List all corporations that your or the spouse ever had any significant role with (ie, above the rank of receptionist).

17) Have you or your spouse at any time belonged to any membership organization ... that as a matter of policy or practice, denied or restricted membership or affiliation based on sex, race, disability, ethnic background, religion or sexual orientation during the past ten years.

Now don't you wish you'd passed on that golf club membership? I mean, this IS the Administration of an African-American President we're talking about - not a Republican. But NO, you couldn't bear to play on the municipal course.

Part IV - Financial Information

Paraphrased... we want everything on you, forever. Think of this as getting a mortgage, only 45 times worse. Sweetheart loans from companies you were supposed to be regulating or providing oversight for are a particularly bad look. As are gifts from Russian oil companies.

Part V - Tax Information

You DID pay all your taxes, right? Well let's see ALL the returns for you, your spouse or partner, your adult children, your infant children, your dogs, and your businesses since 2005. (Hey, that's relatively easy. I stopped cheating on my taxes in 2003.)

Part VI - Legal and Administrative Proceedings

42) Please list any lawsuits you or your spouse have brought as a plaintiff or which were brought against you or your spouse as a defendant or a third party, or in which you or your spouse have testified at trial or in deposition.

Lawsuits brought on behalf of the unemployed, the poor and the dispossessed, or to further environmental protection are good and should be at the top of the stack. Establish a positive mood before putting in that unpleasant little court case where you were sued for dumping 15 pounds of dog feces on the porch of the neighbor who wouldn't keep their damn cat out of your tomato patch.

46) Have any members of your family or close social or business associates (William Ayers excluded) been arrested for or charged with a crime? (Little traffic things don't count. Vehicular manslaughter should probably be mentioned here.)

Arrests and convictions for protesting the Iraq War are acceptable. Arrests for spiking trees, not so much.

Part VII is completely given over to "Domestic Help." Zoe Baird need not apply. It is easiest if you never had maids, nannies, or even better yet, no children, siblings, or parents.

Part VIII - Miscellaneous

58) Please provide the URL address of any websites that feature you in either a personal or professional capacity (e.g., FaceBook, My Space, etc).

And just think, at the time uploading to your My Space page that photo of you chugging tequilas with two topless Mexican prostitutes in Tijuana seemed to be SUCH a good idea.

And finally, the last question:

63) Please provide any other information, including information about other members of your family, that could suggest a conflict of interest or be a possible source of embarrassment to you, your family, or the President-Elect.

This is where you need to fess up that you dated both Cheney daughters, one pre-op, one post-op.

But I'd keep that ride on the UFO under your hat, if I were you. Good luck, job applicant!



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