Sunday, February 25, 2007

calling all theocons

Are you firmly convinced that man and this planet and all the animals on it from the colossal squid to the nasty things that live on our eyelids were created by God in six days (with God putting his feet up and watching some NFL on the 7th day because there is nothing more American than watching pro football on Sunday)?

Do you believe a woman should be barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen? Hate gays and secretly believe AIDS is part of God's plan to kill 'em all? Think it is important to have balanced budgets comprised of 90% defense spending and 10% money to faith-based initiatives? Want to execute doctors that perform abortions, and the women that have them too, because you firmly believe all life is sacred? Think it is important to keep guns legal because they are good things, and want to ban the cervical cancer vaccine because it will encourage young women to become sluts and sleep around?

If you believe all the above, are a native-born American citizen, white male (of course) over age 35, and never received a Purple Heart in Vietnam, YOU could be the Republican Party candidate.

That's because the Council for National Policy, a right-wing Christianist cabal with such luminaries as James Dobson, good old Jerry Falwell, and Reagan-worshipping anti-federal government (unless the Republicans control it) tool Grover Norquist are looking for a candidate to follow in the stellar footsteps of their 1999 choice, de facto President George W. Bush, who lost the 2000 election but won the Supreme Court referendum, ignored warnings of impending terrorist attacks, invaded the wrong country and got us into a quagmire (which is the antonym of cakewalk, y'all), continues to ignore climate change and New Orleans, and generally has lowered the level of esteem for America abroad to that of Pol Pot. You know, somebody who can keep to those same high standards of performance and godliness.

Seems the GOP Christianists ain't too sure about the current crop of GOPsters begging for cash to become their party's nominee. Mitt Romney has three disadvantages -- first, he is named after a baseball glove, second he once out-liberaled Teddy Kennedy on gay rights, and finally he's a Mormon and the Christian Right pretty much despise Mormons.

John McCain isn't reliably subservient to the Christianist agenda. Plus, he's cranky and who wants that? Rudy Giulani is a twice-divorced cross-dresser from New York who has gays and actors for friends.

Mike Huckabee lost a lot of weight, which makes him an object of suspicion because you know, losing weight is sort of a liberal thing to do. Duncan Hunter is a whacko.

Maybe the Senator from the currently-officially-pro-Darwin-but-once-pro-Creationism state of Kansas, Sam "Not Rick Santorum" Brownback will fit the bill... But hey, the Christianists are so unhappy with these guys that they tried to get South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford to run at their recent meeting.

So, if you fit the bill above, and are willing to take direction from a dweeb called Grover, call the Council for National Policy toute de suite.*

*Um, that's frog-talk for now.